A beginning that's been here a while

So this is my first entry. This site’s been around for over a year now and has undergone so many redesigns. I haven’t gotten any better at css since then to be honest lol, I still have no clue how grid works, I only know flexbox, which I might be overusing, things aren’t very efficient nor optimized around here.

This time, I’m trying to care less about the styling. This time. (I say that every time) I want this space to be more a gathering of my art and musings instead of a satisfying css art display thing. Something I can look back on later and think, yep, those were my thoughts. How cool. I almost forgot that happened. Etc.

I also want to use neocities more to actually explore other people’s sites. It used to be that I focused solely on my own, my social anxiety definitely extends to the internet, maybe even worse out here, with no tone or facial expressions to soften things. I'm pretty that's also why social media has never been my forte, ever. I don’t get discord nor tumblr, and for everything else I’ve always been one lonely reposting lurker. I’ve lost many a potential friend because of this. But I’m hoping the things might be different.

[4:20am]

Stayed up late talking with my sister, like in many old days. We went from one random topic to another. She’s the one person I can just exist around. We laughed, cried, laughed some more.. basically, twas fun. But then I got carried away talking about kpop.

Now that she’s asleep and I’m not, all the warmth has given way to the usual shame. As always I vaguely feel it in my stomach. It’s kinda like how I always get nauseous when I'm sick, shame feels the same way in that it feels inevitable after anything I do. Every time I get caught up in something, it follows.

I don’t know. I don’t want to die without ever having rambled about something, but. Knowing that doesn’t take away the shame.

Feelings don’t respond to logic, not mine at least. They respond to experiences.

But this, it’s not a huge kind of shame. I just worry that when it piles up in small ways like this, it’ll be the kind of shame that ends up ruining you y’know? I know it has ruined me in some pretty obvious ways and still continues to do so. It's like this huuge, green poisonous explosion or cloud of some kind, which.. is a childish image. Anyway. Ok. I’ll put the phone down and go to sleep soon. God knows my body needs it, I’ve been running on empty these past few days. But hey, the site’s here, and I’m actually writing entries!! I’ll probably feel different about both tomorrow. That’s life, I guess. Goodmorning.