Trying and failing to reconcile who I am at home and who I am outside.
Words: 559
It’s weird. I feel so completely at ease at home, like a fish in water. I feel normal, even fun. Then, my brother casually mentions being invited to a friend’s grandma’s 80th birthday party. He’d been quiet all dinner, disappointing our parents just by refusing to entertain them like the prancing dog they expect us to be all the time. When he mentioned his plans so offhandedly, it made me feel small. Like I’ve been deluding myself.
At home, I can talk endlessly and make people laugh, my parents and my sister, at least. Outside, I become someone else completely. I go quiet. I make people uncomfortable. I laugh at the wrong moments, I say the wrong things, and the only language I’m fluent in is the nonsense we’ve made up at home. Meanwhile, my brother functions better out there than I ever do.
That’s basically it, I feel pathetic as helll.
Some time ago we joked about how I “peaked” in elementary, and I laughed along, but the truth of it stings all the same. I wish I could make people outside laugh too. I can but more often than not it's laughter at me, never really with me.
So yeah. My life feels like it’s at its peak only at home, just because I can tolerate our parents’ narcissistic jabs the best. I’m the kid they get along with best, and I with them. It’s not something I take pride in. I’m their “favorite,” supposedly. My siblings’ contempt always surfaces when I’m let off, and I can’t blame them. I buy that favor by shutting up and stroking my parents’ egos just enough to keep them calm. It’s cowardly and enabling and gross and I know it.
My own ego got ahead of itself earlier from "successfully entertaining” them, like hey, I can make people laugh, but the truth is in the space between who I am at home and who I am outside. It’s an uncomfortable feeling, I genuinely am not sure what to do about it other than mentally grimace. But I’d rather acknowledge it and be realistic than inflate my ego with lies like my parents do. I’m not as fun as I think, or as my parents think. So, in a way, I’m thankful for my brother for the painful reminder.
This entry sounds so bleak and insecure that I almost feel like I should apologize for it, which only adds to the insecurity I’m already talking about, and then I feel like I should apologize for that too, which adds to the overall stink. As gloomy as the entry might sound, I’m actually in a much better place than I used to be. For once I do look forward to the future! A time when I won’t have to be glued to my parents’ side, existing mostly for their convenience or entertainment and living in a home full of resentment. I just need to get through a few more years and make a plan to move. That’s really it. Then I can finally have the space to start working on my social skills. Simple, not easy, but still something to look forward to. The me from a year or two ago would never have believed I’d look ahead with this kind of optimism, but after making a few huge u-turns with my studies, things are slightly different.